One of the reasons I was at my doctor’s this week was because of some bothersome physical symptoms. Of what? Nothing has been horribly wrong, no major pain, just things have not been feeling right for several months.

Then suddenly I’m late.

Hey, no big deal, right? After all, Dex and I both took measures - personal, surgical measures - to ensure that we remain a family of six. As my doc said when he wrote up the orders for my ultrasound, I don’t need any more surprises.

No, no, oh cripes no! … not that he was implying that pregnancy was a possible cause for my bothersome symptoms. Because he wasn’t. The word never came up. And he doesn’t think it’s anything serious. Nor do I, but best be certain and get checked out.

Anyway, this weird week, bodywise, has underscored how happy I am to have my four kids and how happy I am to keep it at four. For months after the twins were born, even after my tubal, I kept finding myself saying or thinking “my five kids.” I kept having the sense that someone was missing. I could be sitting in the living room with the whole family, count us all one by one, and still have the prickly feeling that someone was missing.

Over time the feeling has faded. I had no doubts about having a tubal, no doubts about not wanting another child (Dex either, or perhaps I mean Dex especially). I didn’t try to conjure this feeling, it just came over me, unbidden. And a part of me was enchanted by the idea of a fifth child, I must admit. A wee, insane part.

Perhaps my body is playing tricks on me. After all, I have been getting pregnant every third autumn and here it is, three years since I became pregnant with Jules and Mae. Maybe my body is just so used to the rhythm that it is finding it hard to let go.

Yet this week, wondering if somehow against ridiculous odds our bodies had managed to procreate against our will, got me thinking about the reality of what it would mean. A baby, a real baby, to hold, to nurse, to nurture. And suddenly I knew I was done. The spell is broken. I do not want another baby. I didn’t before… but now I feel ready to move on to a new stage in our family’s life, one that does not include newborns.