I mean, how am I supposed to say we can’t take this anymore and no more waiting for what ifs and maybes and not another year, I can’t do another year, there is no way without bringing my whole world crashing down on me?

Because I can always convince myself to push the line forward just a wee bit more. How do I truly know where to draw the line? Or how do I keep myself from stepping over it again?

He is not going to want to hear it. And I don’t want to say it. He has a plan in mind. And I can’t go along with it. I wish I could. But I am afraid that if I do I will end up in the hospital. Or that we’ll inflict (additional) emotional scars on our children from the unbearable stress. Or that I will end up hating him.

And deep down I feel like if I say it, if I am the one to take a stand, that I’ll be letting us down. If it all crashes and we fail and the money slips through our fingers because I can’t take it anymore, then I will be the one who threw away our future because I am not strong enough to endure this insanity. Just saying it, just saying I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE, THINGS HAVE TO CHANGE VERY SOON, is akin to spitting on our financial security and mocking everything he is trying to do for this family.

So, tell me. How am I supposed to say it?

I probably shouldn’t write about this here. But I am sitting here at close to 2 AM, trying to work on my book (yes, Virginia, I am trying to write a book), and the second I stop working, this rises up in me and my stomach starts to clench and burn and my chest starts to tighten. I have to get this out.