It is 10:11 a.m. on a Saturday morning. I have been up since just before 7:00 - actually I was half-awake for awhile due to Jules wriggling beside me in bed. I tried to sleep through her thrashing but she finally won out. And now, after 3 hours and change of doing the mommy thing I am taking refuge at my desk, eating my breakfast of gluten-free toast and a cherry yogurt. I should be doing something, right? I should be making plans for the day, or at least be getting dressed. But the longer I sit here, the less anything appeals to me. I’m not feeling bad, just like the choices in front of me today are so very much the same old same old. I should be making a menu plan for the week ahead so I can go grocery shoppinng. AGAIN. Again, again, again, and again. Week after friggin’ week.

Today, I want to not have to think about what to feed anyone or who needs to be entertained and how. Of course there are things we could do today, but each thing - be it chore or fun activity - requires work on my part. Make a plan, get diapers changed, find shoes, fill water bottles….

I just can’t muster any enthusiam for the mundane details of life today.

I want to do something. I just don’t want to be the grown-up in charge today.

Since I got out of bed this morning I have:

• herded all the kids downstairs
• changed 3 diapers
• rummaged up clothes for all the kids
• dressed Davey, Jules and Mae
• filled four cups with cold milk, several times
• made chocolate chip pancakes, setting aside some plain ones for Dex and freeezing a small stack for some night when we have nothing else on hand
• helped the kids play “train” with the kitchen chairs
• cleaned up the aftermath of “train”, including the second train assembled in the play area
• turned on and off and on again various DVDs and TVs
• cleaned up from the pancake breakfast
• filled and distributed small bowls of goldfish for a post-breakfast snack
• found Davey’s glasses, cleaned them and stuck them on his face
• sat on the porch so I could keep an eye on the kids
• was joined by Mae, who wanted to snuggle, then Jules, who had a poopy diaper
• brushed my teeth and put in my contacts
• found my bra and put it on so when I walked out to the street to retrieve the newspaper in my pjs, I wouldn’t frighten anyone
• made my breakfast and came upstairs to my sanctuary to consume it in relative peace
• wondered what the hell we’re going to do today with all of these kids

Isn’t that enough for one day? Shouldn’t I get the rest of the day off? No, see, it’s not that I want the rest of the day off. Because all of the same crap will be awaiting my return. What I want is a fundamental change in my life. Let me be serious for a sec… I don’t hate being domestic, cooking, doing laundry, being home with the kids. It’s just that (a) it can get really, really, really tedious, and (b) a lot of things I do every day/week are harder and take much more energy and time than they need to because of certain circumstances in my life right now.

I am so sick — SO SICK — of having to drive 20 minutes/14 miles to anything I need to do. One of the things I wondered about before our trip to Colorado was how much of a difference living in a real city would make in my daily life. The answer? A lot. A world of difference. When your job entails running 50 small errands a week, being able to get from home to Target in 5 minutes, then Target to the park in another 5, then the park to the bakery that sells fresh gluten-free bread in another 5, then home again in another 5 makes a HUGE, MONUMENTAL difference!

Don’t even get me started on how much better life is when your kid has a group of neighborhood kids to play with any old day of the week. Even on the weekends.

I’m stopping now, before I get off track and into the weedy ditch of full-out rant. Time to get dressed and rejoin my family. I know we’ll find something fun to do and groceries will be bought and life will be fine.