For the first time this year, Davey threw a fit when I put him on the school bus this morning. He was pissed. And when Davey is pissed, he thrashes, he throws things, he kicks, he goes limp and refuses to stand. In other words, he, despite the “always happy” stereotype of kids with Down syndrome, is capable of a major temper tantrum. Just like any other kid.

Now that it’s warm, I let him go outside and play before the bus comes. He loves being outside and I’ve noticed when I take him directly from the house to the waiting bus, he gets upset because he wants to play. So I let him get it out of his system first (well, not out of his system, because really he can spend hours outside).

This morning, I pushed him in his new swing. He was belly laughing and having a blast. Then the bus arrived. I had to pull him out of the swing and carry him to the bus. He was wraslin’ me to get down - and have I mentioned how strong he is? We struggled across the yard and I tried to load him into the bus, but he refused to stand. I dead-lifted him into his seat and held his arms while the driver strapped him in. I gave him a big hug and said goodbye in a too cheery tone. He refused to throw me a kiss or even smile.

Sigh.

Something has been bugging my boy the past couple of weeks. He’s been beastly - at home and at school. He was so much better about not throwing things (when he’s mad or frustrated) and about not pulling the twins’ hair (for fun). Suddenly, he’s not only pulling hair, but also pushing down his sisters, and he does it at every conceivable opportunity. We had just started being able to trust him alone in their vicinity for minutes at a time. Mae and Davey were even starting to play together! And now? Now she runs screaming when he even walks into the same room. He’s been grumpier and acting out at school, too, and he loves school.

What is going on?

As I told his teacher and aide at school yesterday, it dawned on me that he is jealous. It’s like something clicked - a cognitive milestone - and he realized that Jules and Mae are always between him and mommy, and he’s damn tired of it. He’s been wanting me to hold him more, although when I try to play with him, he seems no more interested than usual. Reassurance… that’s what he needs.

The other factor is probably a lot of frustration on his part of wanting to communicate more but literally lacking the words. We’re working on that. I try to remind myself that many of his physical responses - throwing, kicking off his shoes, etc - would manifest themselves as yelling and whining in a typical kid. Same motivators, different outlet.

I am hoping this summer will allow me to spend more time with Davey.. and Edward. More time focused just on them. I try to spread my attention and time between them all, but babies.. now toddlers.. and especially twin toddlers are very demanding of my time and energy. I feel like there is not enough of me to nourish them all, and the supply of me is becoming more and more depleted every day. And as Davey is making perfectly clear recently, it’s not enough. Not enough.

I hear you, sweetie.