Dex and I have been talking, quite seriously, about moving for at least 4-1/2 years now. It’s a long story, but it comes down to several key things: climate/weather, living expense, and distance from extended family - especially now that we have kids. Neither of us are from New England and - though I always have to defend NE when I start talking about moving, because it has been a good home; it has its charms; we met, fell in love, married, and started a family here; and we have lived here half our lives - it is not where either of us envisioned staying forever.

[Honestly, I wanted to turn around and get on a People’s Express return flight home from the second I stepped into the terminal at Logan Airport. But that, kiddos, is a long story for another day.]

There is no doubt we are comfortable here. We know the terrain, we have friends, we have a long history and deep sentimental connections. I don’t want to downplay all that. But frankly, weighed against what we are missing and what we could have, it’s no contest.

This post is in part an apology to New England. I am sorry, New England, that I do not love you the way I should. I am sorry I have needed to malign you in order to shine a brighter light on my heart’s desire. In so many, many ways you have been good to me and my family. Good, solid, well-paying jobs. Great colleges. A lovely historic home. Excellent medical care when we’ve needed it most. Some truly wonderful people. In all, a good, stable life. You, New England, have given us so much and yet I want more… I want different.

What it comes down to is this simple truth: I do not want to live here anymore. I do not want to raise my kids here. 

It’s not you, New England! It’s me. There is nothing inherently wrong with you. I will always be fond of you and will remember you kindly. I will even miss you. But you must understand, we do not belong together. We just aren’t right for each other. I am not a New Englander and I never will be.

I will admit, it is especially hard to have thoughts of leaving you when autumn is upon us. It is your crowning glory.

If only we could hug or shake hands and part, agreeing to remain friends. It is unfortunately so much more complicated than that. The logistics are tricky. We haven’t managed to get them lined up properly in years of trying. There were job interviews, then new jobs here, then the twins, then another new job with great promise. And so, here we are, still going in circles, still waiting… waiting.. for everything to align and allow us to leave.

What I do know, and what I have been afraid to stay outright to Dex, is that now is the time for us to go. Finally. Because for all the reasons we have stayed, I cannot pretend that being here is, in any sustaining way, making me happy. The way we are living now is unhealthy and damaging. We all need things to change, and the only changes we can make and still remain here for even another year make absolutely no sense - financially or otherwise - unless we are commited to staying here. And I think I’ve made it clear where I stand on that.

It scares me to draw this line in the sand. It scares me more to imagine us still here a year, two, five down the road. It scares me more to imagine my kids growing up and not knowing their grandparents and cousins. It scares me… it scares me to the bottom of my soul to imagine going through a grave and terrifying experience like we had with Davey’s illness last fall - all alone.

It’s time. It’s time.