I have to finally admit that I’ve hit the wall.

What else can I say? My ability to cope, to soldier on, to muster my flagging energy and enthusiasm has dwindled to all-time lows.

It’s nothing specific. Nothing is different this week than it was last week or the week or month before. There’s no new crisis. On the surface, it all looks the same.

But inside… inside I am spent and depleted. Day after day after day after day of living this way for months and years on end has taken its toll.

unn… let’s lighten the mood for a sec, shall we? This little fella/gal was hanging out watching us do stuff in his/her barn the other day. This is, for those of you who do not know, an appropriately named Barn Swallow. Cute, huh? I took this with my new new backup camera, the Canon S5 IS Dex gave me for my birthday.

So, where was I?

It’s hard to say all of this without offering a disclaimer. I am ok. We are ok. But… I’m just done. The way we are living is madness. And there has been a point to it all, a grand plan, an end goal that will hopefully make it all worth it.

In 6-7 months we’ll arrive at a major stake in the ground. By February, we should be in the position — that is, the financial position — that will afford us a good measure of security and flexibility into our coming years. More specifically, if all goes well and Dex stays with his current job/company and the economy doesn’t go down the drain, we’ll be able to move to Colorado and buy a wonderful house mortgage-free.

We’ve been working hard toward this. Two years ago, when Dex took this job with the 3-hour a day commute, we went into it with high hopes for a big pay-off. And now, a decent reward is hovering on the horizon.

But therein lies our problem.

It’s still on the horizon. Close… but frankly I am not sure I can make it from here today to there six months from now with things staying the way they are. If we were staring down the next 6 months with fresh eyes, it would be different. Piece of cake. But we’re going into this exhausted. And exhausted not just from the past two years.

The past two years would be enough to wipe out anyone. The commute, the kids, the freakin’ winters… oh. Really. It has been a lot to manage. But don’t forget, we went into THAT with our inner gumption already running at below capacity.

Honestly, I am AMAZED, truly amazed, that we have endured so well. I am amazed that Dex and I are not only still talking to each other but are doing pretty well together. I have to give us - all of us, kids included - vast credit.

I have gotten through as I always do - on sheer grit and force of will. I have just done it.

But I feel like this past week or two - in which nothing has been worse, nothing has been threatening or building up - that I have done a body slam into the deep end. Like I’ve been falling, falling, falling but completely unaware, smiling the whole way down, so that when I hit it’s a shock. Bam. Fine to flattened in a week.

Of course, that only illustrates how strong my will is, to have pushed me through week after week feeling like I am coping just fine and, aside from a handful of bad days and small stress-plosions here and there, I can keep on with some semblance of normalcy. Everyone’s fed, clothed, entertained, loved. The dishes are done, the fridge is full, we play at the park and go to the library. Life moves along in a rather normal fashion.

And then I find myself rising from the dirt, stunned, wondering what the hell just happened. And I feel every muscle, every bone, aching and bruised.

The question is how are we going to get from HERE (now) to THERE (Feb)?

This is a problem. A big one.